I'm in the process of constructing a machine I'm provisionally titling the Super Present Selector. I thought I'd blog as I go along. Firstly, some background: What is it? How did this come about?
Because my mum wants to know what to get me for Christmas. Because my mum wants to know what to get my boyfriend for Christmas.
Because my mum has a department store voucher that needs using up, and suggests buying me clothes with it. Because I think this is a terrible idea.
Because she asks: "Any kind not to get? Any colours not to choose? Plain colours or stripes? Smart or casual? If dresses or skirts, short, mid or long? Fitted or flared?"
Because I draft an email reply advising her strongly against the idea, but add in, just in case (because I fear I'm not too good at the advising strongly thing): "work stuff: size 8-10, like most shades of grey, skinny trousers but muscular calves make this difficult, don't like most stripes I've seen in the shops lately, never get anything from Jane Norman I'm pretty sure it's made for curvy people".
Because I don't send that email because I'm worried I sound like a dick, and I'm still not sure those rules are watertight enough. I just tell her on the phone that that homeware department (where they sell overpriced bottles of fancy alcohol) is a much safer bet.
Because she asks again what to get for my boyfriend.
Because I could have taken one look and told her that the hot water bottle with a striped cover she got him last year was not going to be a favourite, but I can't find the words to explain exactly why.
Because I am definitely *for* the idea of getting people surprise gifts (surely it's not really a gift if you choose it yourself? they just pay for it, is all, and choosing presents is half of the fun), and anyway I don't have time to go picking out presents, but it would be a shame for someone else to spend money and goodwill on things that won't be appreciated.
Because, actually, maybe I could find the words to explain the problem with the hot water bottle cover: it's stripes, of different colours and thicknessess, making up the kind of design you see in high-street home furnishings when they do their version of "minimalist" or "modern" (see also). "Bright modern stripes". And although the polyester-lined fleece material is one of the most insulating I've seen in bottle-cover technology, the aesthetic considerations here come up trumps. But how can I tell her all this without, simply, saying "it's ugly" or "he'll think it's ugly"?
And actually this other one, striped in simple pink and white, which I've just found on the website of the same shop, would have been easily more successful.
What could possibly be a solution to all this heartbreak and confusion and timewasting?
Obviously: A Super Present-Selector. A machine that contains all the rules affecting present-pleasing probability. A machine into which candidate items can be plugged, (so my Mum can go out shopping, and this "ooh that looks nice, I wonder whether X would like it...") and the machine will say: "This item contains colours of more that 3.6 points* of chromatic difference, in a stripe-formation of varying widths. This item is from shop Y, and is NOT from the range "classic". Other users have tagged this design as "bright modern stripes". The probability of this item bringing pleasure and joy to person X is: 13%"
*This is a scale I just made up
And in this situation, because my Mum is not a massive risk-taker, she would probably put the item down. Even better: because she is quite diligent and careful and because she likes finding out how things work she would probably continue through the shop, plugging in other interesting-looking items to see the results. She might even start systematically plugging in *all* the items in the shop, in order to work out for herself what the machine's rules are. And then, maybe, she will learn and internalise all of these rules herself and she won't even need the machine any more: she will have "learnt" what this difficult-to-please person's tastes in home furnishings are.
Wouldn't that be amazing?
So, that's what the idea of the Super Present Selector is.
Part 2: Variables
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